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The Bottom Line: America Is Locked Out And Completely Fine With It

In conclusion, the nation’s infrastructure is mildly disrupted, the locksmith industry is experiencing an economic renaissance, and approximately 40 million men have developed a sudden passionate interest in residential security systems. Kira, for her part, has announced a ‘full instructional series’ dropping next Friday, at which point experts predict the entire country will simultaneously misplace every key they own. We, for one, welcome our new locksmith overlords — and if you’ll excuse us, we have to go check if our deadbolt is ‘working correctly.’

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