Trade schools across the country have reported a 600% increase in locksmithing enrollment since Monday, with the admissions office describing the new applicants as ‘suspiciously well-groomed and definitely not here for the career prospects.’ The National Locksmith Association has issued an official statement reading, in full: ‘We don’t know what’s happening but our members’ incomes have tripled so we’re not asking questions.’ Meanwhile, hardware store shelves across America have been mysteriously stripped of every deadbolt, padlock, and security chain available — demand that experts are calling ‘economically inexplicable.’