The Locksmith Industry Has Never Been Sexier (Apparently)
Trade schools across the country have reported a 600% increase in locksmithing enrollment since Monday, with the admissions office describing the new applicants as ‘suspiciously well-groomed and definitely not here for the career prospects.’ The National Locksmith Association has issued an official statement reading, in full: ‘We don’t know what’s happening but our members’ incomes have tripled so we’re not asking questions.’ Meanwhile, hardware store shelves across America have been mysteriously stripped of every deadbolt, padlock, and security chain available — demand that experts are calling ‘economically inexplicable.’
Her Technique, Explained By Men Who Were ‘Just Watching For Educational Purposes’
We surveyed 500 men who claimed to have watched the video ‘purely for the lock-picking technique,’ and 497 of them could not name a single thing she did to the lock, but all 500 could describe her hair in forensic detail. Three men actually did learn how to pick a lock, and all three have since reported locking themselves out of their own cars ‘by accident, definitely on purpose, I mean accidentally.’ The comment sections are essentially a support group at this point, with men offering each other emotional solidarity and local locksmith recommendations.
The Copycat Locksmiths Are Already Here
Within 72 hours of the original video, at least 340 other locksmiths posted their own ‘demonstration’ videos, ranging in quality from ‘also extremely viral’ to ‘this person clearly googled what a lockpick looks like five minutes ago.’ One woman in Ohio went so viral demonstrating how to change a deadbolt that her small town is now the second-most visited location in the state after the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. The original Kira has acknowledged the copycats with a single Instagram story that just reads ‘sweet’ accompanied by a winky face that has since been screenshotted 11 million times.
The Bottom Line: America Is Locked Out And Completely Fine With It
In conclusion, the nation’s infrastructure is mildly disrupted, the locksmith industry is experiencing an economic renaissance, and approximately 40 million men have developed a sudden passionate interest in residential security systems. Kira, for her part, has announced a ‘full instructional series’ dropping next Friday, at which point experts predict the entire country will simultaneously misplace every key they own. We, for one, welcome our new locksmith overlords — and if you’ll excuse us, we have to go check if our deadbolt is ‘working correctly.’
